As most of you know, I lost my dad many years ago. Today would be 12 years to be exact. His passing was sudden and very unexpected. I still remember the smell in the air, the time of day, the chill in the air, of when I pulled into our driveway to see my Mom waiting to tell me the news. Each year the month of January is hard for me, as his birth and death day are in this month. He passed away just 20 days after his 50th birthday. Many of you do not know about my relationship with him, and the circumstances that had occurred before his passing, which makes his loss even harder for me. I know deep in my heart I have yet to really mourn his passing, which is probably the reason why this month is so daunting for me. So, this year, I have decided to write some thoughts I have in my heart/mind about him, in hopes that releasing and speaking about him perhaps some part of me can heal... So, here goes:
My Dad - Lonnie
To be honest, he wasn't always the best of dads...
He missed my birth, many holidays and birthdays, my high school graduation, and even the birth of his first grandson.
He passed away just a few weeks before my wedding.
He wasn't there for school events, to take pictures with at dances, things of that sort.
He didn't take me to do the things fathers do with daughters.
He often went weeks without calling to even speak to me.
He had many many flaws, but he was still MY dad. And I loved him so very much.
My Dad was a truck driver... and devoted most of his younger years on the road.
My Dad was a big ole teddy bear with a super big heart, and this is why I could forgive all of his short comings, because when I did spend time with him, he made sure I knew he loved me.
His laugh was the best, sort of like a wheeze, something you would just have to hear to appreciate.
His beard tickled when he gave me kisses, and I used to make a funny face that he laughed about every time.
He loved country music, and we would often sit and watch CMT for hours.
He also loved the Three Stooges... something else we often watched together.
He snored REALLY loud :) sleep apnea of course, but it was a sound that I learned to love because it meant he was alive.
He liked his watermelon with salt on it.
He liked coke with peanuts poured inside.
He took my brother and I on a trip one summer, and we went to an amusement park... in which he didn't let me ride any rides because I had on a dress, and he didn't want it to fly up.
He was afraid of deep water.
Those are just a few of the things that I loved the most about him, and the memories that have lingered the longest with me...
I often pray that I would have just had ONE more day... even though I am not sure that one more day would have done it for me. In the year and a half prior to his passing things weren't the greatest, and we had just made amends in Nov of 1998. Alot of damage had been done in those years, and I was working to forgive and forget. I missed him, and was excited to have him in my life again... but that isn't what happened. I do know this: that if I had known the last time I had seen him was going to be my last, I would have asked for just one more of his big bear hugs... one more tickly kiss... I would have told him something to hear him laugh... and I certainly would have told him I love him more than just once.
So, to all of you that still have a dad that is alive, make the most of it. Get as many hugs, kisses, I love yous, just time with him that you can. Because you never know when it might be your last... and living with this kind of regret isn't something I would wish upon a soul.
R.I.P Daddy - I love you so very much
